You’ve wrestle with these feelings, fears, doubts, not wanting them to control how you think you’ll act down the line. Maybe you secretly hope you’re able to get into the same situation that someone hurt you in so that you can then prove that they did have a choice in the matter. That they didn’t have to act the way that they did. That if they only had your self-control, your temperament, your morals, your righteousness, they would’ve chosen the right path.
You bitch and moan to yourself, yelling inside to get over it. That what’s done is done. That it shouldn’t be effecting you the way it is. But there’s no getting around it, is there? It’s still there. Like a perpetual grey winter that never seems to end. Sure, there are days when the sun shines through, and for the most part you’re able to show the “happy, laid back” side of yourself. But let’s be honest, you’re still hurt. You’re still angry. You’re still not forgiving.
Because that forgiveness is the one thing that you have control over. That you can decide whether to give or not. So, you wonder if you should talk to the person about it. About what hurt they did to you. To see if they know about. To see if they acknowledge it. To see if they ask for forgiveness. It’s then you face a choice. Do you grant it? Do you deny it? You’ve played this moment again and again in your mind. The way you would talk, the way you hope they would respond. The satisfaction you feel when you see that they’re sorry. That you got’em. Now you’re in control. Now you’re able to play with their feelings just like they played with yours. And you know what, it feels good. Doesn’t it? Admit it. You want to hold on to this moment. The moment where you know that you could bring this person’s whole emotional state into chaos. To cause them to feel the pain that you’ve felt for all these years.
But what benefit is this to you? So you get to feel better about yourself for a little while. Is it worth it? Was it worth it? You try and argue with yourself that it is. That you’re in a better place when feeling this way. That this person deserves to feel terrible about what they have done to you. To others. To your family. To your friends. Because, in a way, you argue, the way that they treated you affected the way that you interacted with others. Are still interacting with others. They should know the misery that they’ve caused. They should have to deal with it. To grapple with it. To wrestle with it. To fight with it the same way that you had to. It seems only fair. Right? Right?
But then you realize that you’re doing the same thing that they did. You’re not any different. You share the same flaws that they have. The same weakness. The same shame. You apologize to those you hurt, but in the end, did it make a difference? You now avoid situations so not to do the same things. You avoid relationships so not to hurt anyone.
So, the question is: Do I forgive, or don’t I? And I must be honest. I don’t know.
